Allow me the opportunity to provide some education on world of foster care, which is so very different from the world most of us occupy. We sign our home study today (eee!) and in a few days we will be approved to accept a placement. During our training sessions we were told that when you become a foster parent, you become an advocate and educator for foster care. I didn't understand then, but after talking about our journey with so many people it became clear this was true. So I'm taking this opportunity to share with you this crash course on the foster system.
1. We Don't Know.
We don't know if a boy or girl is joining our home. We don't know how old they'll be, we don't know when they'll come or how long they'll be there. We don't know if they'll come with some belongings or if they'll come with nothing. We don't know if we'll get a call a month or a day from now. We don't know if they'll play well with your kids. We don't know what school they'll go to or how we're going to get them there. We don't know if they're allergic to peanut butter or afraid of dogs. We don't know their favorite toy or if they've ever watched Paw Patrol. We don't know if they're spending one night with us or the rest of their lives. We don't know how they'll behave. We don't know if they'll have special needs, delays, or behavioral problems. We don't know if they'll attach to us or if they have ever attached to anyone before. We don't know how much contact we'll have with their birth parents. We don't know if their father is in the picture or who he is. We don't know what this child went through to get them here.
2. If we do know, we might not tell you.
Excuse me if i'm being to forward, but don't ask why this child is in foster care or what happened to them, because frankly it just isn't your business. The knowledge we will have of their past will probably be extremely limited, and what we do know isn't appropriate to share. These children have been through trauma. Trauma is part of their story. In their short lives they have had everything ripped away. It is in no way our place as their caregivers to spread their sensitive and heartbreaking stories with anyone who's curious. We will share the information you need to know, just like any other child, and expect you to love and care for them as such.
3. Trauma on Trauma
These little ones have experienced severe trauma. They enter foster care because they have been abused or neglected, then they are ripped from the only family they know, piling trauma on trauma. They won't behave like your children. They won't behave like they have been raised in a loving, caring, nurturing family. The days or weeks they are with us will not erase their past. They will miss their families, regardless of their treatment. They have lost all control, and everything they have ever loved - their parents, their pets, their favorite stuffed animals and blankies. They may reject us and those around them, because they may never have experienced healthy attachments. We can't expect these babies to behave like normal children with the histories they have - they will need more. More patience, more kindness, more grace.
4. There's not such thing as fostering to adopt.
"Well are you fostering to adopt?" No. Not a thing. We're fostering to foster. The primary goal in foster care is to help the birthparents get themselves together enough to be good parents to their kids. These are not our children, we are taking care of them. (Side note: Read the children's story Pup and Bear by Kate Banks.) If the court determines these kids can't go back to their birthparents, they try to place them with a family member before looking to other families. We have no control over these decisions. Whether or not we agree or like it, our job as foster parents is to take the best care of these kids and love them as our own while the courts decide their future and their families try to fight for them.
5. Birthparents are not bad people.
Ok, some probably are, but in general we should never assume that a child's birth family are just bad people. They have met mountains they can't climb, especially with children to care for. We've explained it to our 6 year old this way - Kids take work. Money, time, effort - and a lot of it - and some parents just aren't able to provide it for a while, so we are going to help them until they can find a way to do it. These parents have their own trauma, struggles, and heartache. Their kids have been ripped away and they've been given plans to get them back and it will take a lot of work. Like their children, they have completely lost control of their lives and future. A series of bad choices may have gotten them to this place, and they will have to fight their way back to being a family. It's heavy, and it's our job as a foster family to be supportive when they may not have anyone else rooting for them.
I hope this helps to open someone's mind and heart to what foster care really means. I'm sure this list will change and grow as we are approved and receive placements, but before we even get there these are the things I have learned and want the people in my world to understand. We're excited about this journey, as well as completely terrified. We are trusting our Lord who is the Father to the fatherless to be our rock through this adventure.
