Book Review : Follow Me to Ground

This book was unlike anything I have ever read, or probably ever will read again.

My bestie bought me Jenny Larson's Furiously Happy last year and it instantly became a favorite that I recommend to anyone who will listen. I follow her like a creepy ex-girlfriend on all levels of social media and was absolutely beside myself when she announced the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club. Finally! People who would talk about books with me! All online, so I never have to fight our hectic schedule! This is the book subscription & club I have been dreaming about.

Then comes our first book - Follow Me to Ground by Sue Rainsford. 20 pages in I nearly shut the book and walked away from not only this novel but the entire book club for good. I was completely skeeved out. It was creepy, disturbing, and just icky. Two hours later I was nearly halfway through and had to tear myself away from it. The next day I devoured the rest of it. I just could not put it down. It called to me when I wasn't engrossed in it. I think that just added to its epic creep factor, really.

Jenny Lawson shared on her blog what cocktail would go well with this story and she hit it spot-on...

"...since the main character is a magic vegetable creature maybe a bloody mary with lots of root veggies in it?  Tomato juice, celery, blood thinner….It’s practically a health drink."

In my own words, this is the story of two not-really-humans, their mystical and feisty plot of land, and the community of scandalous and sick humans who seek these not-really-humans for medical treatment. There are layers of darkness and lies, a certain lack of connection and emotion, and grotesque issues and imagery.

Above all else, the writing.

The writing.

This is one of the best written books that I have read. It left the perfect amount of room for questions and speculation (and therefore lots of discussion!). It sucked me completely into a disturbing story I never thought I would experience. She had me coming back for more. I'm thankful this book was a short, quick read because it might really mess up my brain.. but I'm anxious to see what else this author puts out. Even if it's dark and creepy... I still know I'd indulge in it.

I'm really glad I stuck with this book. I would recommend it to the right person, but not everyone will like it or even be able to tolerate it. If you can handle the grotesque and disturbing for the sake of an intense other-worldly story and incredible writing - this is your book.

But you might feel like you need to shower afterwards...

Crash Course

Allow me the opportunity to provide some education on world of foster care, which is so very different from the world most of us occupy. We sign our home study today (eee!) and in a few days we will be approved to accept a placement. During our training sessions we were told that when you become a foster parent, you become an advocate and educator for foster care. I didn't understand then, but after talking about our journey with so many people it became clear this was true. So I'm taking this opportunity to share with you this crash course on the foster system.

1. We Don't Know.
We don't know if a boy or girl is joining our home. We don't know how old they'll be, we don't know when they'll come or how long they'll be there. We don't know if they'll come with some belongings or if they'll come with nothing. We don't know if we'll get a call a month or a day from now. We don't know if they'll play well with your kids. We don't know what school they'll go to or how we're going to get them there. We don't know if they're allergic to peanut butter or afraid of dogs. We don't know their favorite toy or if they've ever watched Paw Patrol. We don't know if they're spending one night with us or the rest of their lives. We don't know how they'll behave. We don't know if they'll have special needs, delays, or behavioral problems. We don't know if they'll attach to us or if they have ever attached to anyone before. We don't know how much contact we'll have with their birth parents. We don't know if their father is in the picture or who he is. We don't know what this child went through to get them here.

2. If we do know, we might not tell you.
Excuse me if i'm being to forward, but don't ask why this child is in foster care or what happened to them, because frankly it just isn't your business. The knowledge we will have of their past will probably be extremely limited, and what we do know isn't appropriate to share. These children have been through trauma. Trauma is part of their story. In their short lives they have had everything ripped away. It is in no way our place as their caregivers to spread their sensitive and heartbreaking stories with anyone who's curious. We will share the information you need to know, just like any other child, and expect you to love and care for them as such.

3. Trauma on Trauma
These little ones have experienced severe trauma. They enter foster care because they have been abused or neglected, then they are ripped from the only family they know, piling trauma on trauma. They won't behave like your children. They won't behave like they have been raised in a loving, caring, nurturing family. The days or weeks they are with us will not erase their past. They will miss their families, regardless of their treatment. They have lost all control, and everything they have ever loved - their parents, their pets, their favorite stuffed animals and blankies. They may reject us and those around them, because they may never have experienced healthy attachments. We can't expect these babies to behave like normal children with the histories they have - they will need more. More patience, more kindness, more grace.

4. There's not such thing as fostering to adopt.
"Well are you fostering to adopt?" No. Not a thing. We're fostering to foster. The primary goal in foster care is to help the birthparents get themselves together enough to be good parents to their kids. These are not our children, we are taking care of them. (Side note: Read the children's story Pup and Bear by Kate Banks.) If the court determines these kids can't go back to their birthparents, they try to place them with a family member before looking to other families. We have no control over these decisions. Whether or not we agree or like it, our job as foster parents is to take the best care of these kids and love them as our own while the courts decide their future and their families try to fight for them.

5. Birthparents are not bad people.
Ok, some probably are, but in general we should never assume that a child's birth family are just bad people. They have met mountains they can't climb, especially with children to care for. We've explained it to our 6 year old this way - Kids take work. Money, time, effort - and a lot of it - and some parents just aren't able to provide it for a while, so we are going to help them until they can find a way to do it. These parents have their own trauma, struggles, and heartache. Their kids have been ripped away and they've been given plans to get them back and it will take a lot of work. Like their children, they have completely lost control of their lives and future. A series of bad choices may have gotten them to this place, and they will have to fight their way back to being a family. It's heavy, and it's our job as a foster family to be supportive when they may not have anyone else rooting for them.

I hope this helps to open someone's mind and heart to what foster care really means. I'm sure this list will change and grow as we are approved and receive placements, but before we even get there these are the things I have learned and want the people in my world to understand. We're excited about this journey, as well as completely terrified. We are trusting our Lord who is the Father to the fatherless to be our rock through this adventure.

The Calling

While it's been said we don't owe anybody an explanation for the decisions we make, I don't find that attitude very educational or helpful, so I'd like to share some thoughts on our personal foster care journey.

Choosing to foster does not mean we have "given up on adoption." I've been told several times, "No, Don't give up!" and I have to remind myself that they don't know or understand my heart, family, and position on adoption and foster care.

We began the domestic infant adoption process nearly three years ago, when Caleb was only two. We raised the money we needed for our home study. Each year, further funds are due. And more cost comes with placement. Next year, we would have to do our entire home study (and pay the dues) again. Seeing as Caleb is older, we are in a better place in our marriage, spirit, family, & maturity than we were when we began the process, we feel confident in our decision to foster rather than adopt. The longer the adoption process went, the more we have felt called to do this, and I'm proud of making this step.

I want to be vulnerable for a moment (because you never know who's in the same place) and add that when we began the adoption process, I couldn't handle fostering. I was still grieving the losses I experienced and felt an immense need for a baby in our home that would be in our family forever. I'm thankful for the healing in my heart and marriage that has happened over the past few years. Adopting an infant became about filling a hole. I needed to bring my baby home. God has worked and molded my heart to what His true calling for our family is, to take care of His children who need to be loved.

There is a huge need for foster parents, and we are capable of parenting and loving other children. We've been asked time and time again what brought us to this decision, and it never really felt like a decision at all. It felt like the obvious path God had led us to. Through the adoption process, we both felt this tug of kids who were older, more traumatized, needed more attention, needed more everything... and we were a family that could provide that.

If you know you are capable of changing a child's world, providing huge needs for a tiny person, why wouldn't you? 

It wasn't a big decision. It was a step towards a calling.

We are excited about this adventure. We know it's going to be a journey filled with every emotion. Above all else we know we are fulfilling what we have been called as a family to do. We appreciate your love and support even when at times it seems hard to understand!

"I want to live with Nana!"

I really, really wanted to laugh. I remember being a kid and just knowing in my soul that if I could just escape my parents controlling wrath and live with my Grandma, I would be the happy, healthy, successful, thriving girl that my awful parents were preventing me from being. (spoiler alert, I became all those things in my parents house. Crazy, right?) Watching my son hit that moment of deepest desire to be with my mom, his Nana, instead of me, was an, "Oh, Honey" moment. This was my 6 year old's last ditch effort at making me lose it, but, surprisingly I was keeping it together better than he would have liked. He had already shoved his food at me, swatted his hands at my husband and I, hit my wall, hit the door, stomped upstairs, and laid on his bedroom floor kicking as hard as he could to get our attention. I think he threw some stuff around too.

What, you ask, could possibly bring my sweet cherub to this level of anger?

He couldn't remember his best friends favorite song. Yup. He asked me what R's favorite song was and I said I'm not sure, maybe you can ask him tomorrow. He lost it. We had tears... REAL tears... because he just couldn't remember and we were the worst parents ever for not having the answer. Cue the next-level tantrum and fit of rage through the house.

Go ahead! Say it!

What. A. Brat.

No six year old should be behaving like this. Throwing a tantrum of this caliber is just asinine! It was the kind of tantrum much smaller children throw and please believe I understand that. It took everything in me not to completely lash out, punish, yell, demand better behavior because I know he doesn't respond well or learn from that. But what happened next made my heart swell for him.

Eventually he came downstairs while Sean & I were finishing our dinner and discussing whether he would be allowed to go to Awanas that night. He snuck down and "hid" from us to overhear our conversation before coming out and telling us "I heard you guys talking, you know."

 Ok. Are you ready to talk?
 "Yes. Did you ever feel really frustrated when you were a kid?"

He was completely calm. We talked about how all three of us get frustrated when we don't feel like someone understands us. We talked about how even when we yell and scream and hit and throw, it doesn't solve the problem. We talked about how when we were kids we would be upset and when grown-ups couldn't help us we got angry. We talked about how when we get angry now, we have to find ways to calm down. My husband and I shared that we both need some alone time to get it together. Caleb was able to name a few things that help him. I asked him, "Caleb, next time you get angry, what is something I should tell you to do that will help you calm down?" and he said "Tell me to go draw a picture."

Hold on while I pat myself on the back because that felt like such a Mom Win. He sat with us and we talked about big feelings, what helps them, what makes them worse, and ways we can do better for over 30 minutes. I got up from the table feeling like he got it, he understood. He'll make mistakes, as we do, but now I know better how to help him and teach him. He has taught me so much about myself and about raising kids who feel such big emotions and I know going into foster care our family will be more prepared because of what his sensitive soul has taught us. He feels so deeply, and sometimes he really can't figure out what to do with all those feelings. How can I possibly expect him to, when I go through the same thing? I often feel things so deeply that I can't handle all of the emotions going on within me and I don't always let them out in the best way - and I'm supposed to be teaching him! He has taught me so much and I am grateful for everything about him - temper tantrums and all.

Later that evening he was getting his shoes on for Awanas and was singing Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. I hate that song. Anyway, my husband says "Caleb... is that R's favorite song?

"Oh, yeah! It is!"

...and just like that, the mystery was solved. It was just a really rough & windy road filled with priceless life lessons to get there.

Book Review : The Flatshare

The Flatshare - Beth O'Leary

This book was so much more than I thought it would be, and more than I could have hoped for.

I was ultra frustrated at the library. Who does that? The library is my happy place! My son was being awesome sitting and looking through the books he had picked out and I had found the new Jeff Vandermeer novel for my husband and I just could not find anything I wanted heading into a rainy weekend - ugh! It was a bit like going to a restaurant with a massive menu and having no idea what you feel like eating. Or having 700 TV channels and no idea what you feel like watching. That was me at the library last week. I had just finished The Starless Sea which broke my brain and The Stationary Shop which broke my heart. AND I didn't have my handy dandy list of "to-read" books available. 

Frustrated and giving up, I saw The Flatshare. It vaguely remembered the cover being on my Goodreads : To Read list and it looked light, predictable, and easy. Perfect to mend my heart & brain that had recently been demolished (but not in a bad way!).

The Flatshare was SO. MUCH. MORE than easy, predictable, and light. I read it in two sittings (abnormal for me!) and am feeling severely sleep deprived today... but that's ok. That's great actually. This is the story of two strangers sharing a space without actually meeting. Inevitably, there is communication. You think you know where this is going? You're not wrong... but there are layers to this story that you just don't expect. The Flatshare had an elegant complexity to it that was not heavy or difficult. I genuinely enjoy and seek out stories that have a lightness to them, but still have substance - and this one is a gem. 

If you're looking for a book you can devour this weekend that has an aspect of predictable familiarity as well as a fresh depth to your typical "chick-lit"...this is totally your book. 

Next on deck: The 10 Doors of January

edit : 2020 - a reintroduction

Years later and this is still a thing. I'm older, better at prioritizing and planning, and have even more of a desire to share words.

I've kept most previous posts - even if the dates they were written are just humiliating. I updated some grammar mistakes (*shiver*) and a few I actually edited with an update to the original post.

But here is where I update you on me. I guess I can't say update since we never were really introduced.

So let me introduce myself.

Daughter of Christ.
Lover of Sunshine.
Wife to Sean, since 2009.
Mommy to Caleb, since 2013.
Foster Parent, Coming Soon!
Reader of books.
Cuddler of Dogs.
Introverted Extrovert. (Someone told me that's what I was because I love people and I love being alone.)
Preschool Teacher.
Obsessed with words & communication.

So here we go. I intend on following a plan for weekly posts - updates on our foster journey, book reviews, mommyisms, thoughts to share & opinions, as well as encouragement. Loads of it. I hope I'm not the only one who enjoys this, but even if I am... that is all right with me.

beginning of a journey

This is the first of probably many posts following our journey to adoption. Growing our family feels like it has already been such a wild ride, I can only imagine what God has in store for our family. Before Caleb was born (he is now almost 2 1/2) we had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. They found I had two MTHFR mutations (clotting issues) so when I was pregnant with Caleb I took daily injections of blood thinners. Caleb was born October 2013 and was, and is, absolutely perfect. When I became pregnant this past summer, I thought this child would have the same story. He or she would complete our family. I would take the medication, I would hold this child. This was not God's plan for us. Even after twice seeing a heartbeat, even after taking the medication, even after doing everything right I miscarried at 11 weeks. Devastating doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. While I wont elaborate on this post of the depth of emotion and pain we experienced, please understand that if you have been or are going through this loss I have been there, I know your pain, and I am here if you need companionship through the heartache.

So where did this leave us? We knew we didn't want Caleb to be an only child. I knew I couldn't handle the anxiety of another pregnancy. Adoption? Seemed a little crazy. So we took 6 months to pray, asked our friends to join us in that, and asked God to show us his plan. I was hoping for a neon sign, blinking lights, maybe some writing on the wall. That's not how he chose to show His plan for us. Still unsure of how to grow our family we went to an informational meeting with an adoption agency. Leaving feeling informed but still not definite, we decided to talk to some adoptive families we knew. After meeting with friends of ours who have two adopted children we knew this is was God's plan for us. Hearing their story, spending time with their family, and having our biggest questions answered had us leaving knowing that adoption was our next step in growing our family. I left feeling like they had been praying about this meeting and conversation before we ever walked in the door. We left excited, and God began revealing his plan to us. We joined a small group and one of the women we hadn't met before shared about being adopted herself. I know God placed her in our life with purpose. I have felt more and more that the reason we had to walk through such trying times is to bring us to this decision of adoption. This is the plan God has had for us all along and we have decided to take the steps forward in faith.

We can't afford adoption. There is no way we could afford adoption for the next many years. However we are in the understanding that if God has brought us to this point, He will provide the finances. It is going to be a crazy, exciting, scary, wonderful, and long. There will be ups and downs, and I am beyond grateful to have the most amazing community surrounding us through this process.

Hold on tight, we're on an adventure!

EDIT - January 2020 - The adoption journey has become a foster care journey - More on that in another post!